Goku's Little Problem
by tectrices
Summary: Oh no! Our hero's got a problem! And who should he go to for a little romantic advice? Why, the SHORTtempered prince, of course. At this rate, his relationship with ChiChi will be... even worse. Rated for language and mention of 'super saiyans' doubl


A/N: Forgive me! (shakes head at self) I can't even believe I wrote this. Er... Oh well. I think it's funny. (that doesn't mean it is, though...) It's not really AU, but I might have taken a few liberties with the timeline. This isn't meant to be serious or anything... It's so dumb! I hope it goes over well. I get the giggles just thinking about it. Anyway, read and REVIEW please, because I want to know how I did at humor.

Oh, and... Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ, but man... If it was '82... (I don't own that, either.)

**Rated 'M'**: Mostly for bad language, but some (a lot) mention of sex. No citrusy content at all.  
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**Goku's Little Problem:  
What to do When Your Super Saiyan Just Won't go Super Anymore**

a humorous look at DBZ by: ILB

* * *

Son Goku was the undisputed- by those who called him "friend" at least- hero of Earth. He was strong, and whenever he was needed he always managed to somehow get stronger. It almost seemed like he was invincible, even death was only a minor- and temporary- inconvenience. He was loyal and kind, and maybe a little goofy sometimes, but that was only part of his charm. Almost above all other things, he loved a good fight. He had to have his battles- loved a challenge. He was courageous and loyal to his friends and always showed up (always, now) to be the hero. There were some who thought him invincible. However, there was one thing in the universe that he could never manage to handle... 

"_GOKU! GET IN HERE OR I'M GETTING OUT MY FRYING PAN!" _His wife, ChiChi.

**XXX**

There was only one thing to do. Now, that wasn't to say that it was the most pleasant option, or even the option that guaranteed he'd walk away with the continued use of all his limbs. It probably wouldn't even guarantee favorable results, leaving him right back where he started. But... there was really nothing else to be done.

"Guess I'm off to see Vejita," Goku said to himself almost forlornly, most definitely dreading what the other man would say when he heard the problem. Taking off with his spirits as high as he could raise them (which, honestly, only just fell short of the sky), he headed to Capsule Corp., hoping that everything turned out all right.

He found Bulma first. Taking in deep breath, he said, "HI BULMA HOW ARE YOU IS VEJITA HOME I REALLY WANNA SPAR."

She looked at him blankly. "What?"

"Uh... hahaha," Goku laughed nervously. "Hey Bulma. Is, um, Vejita around by any chance? You know, because I'm really in the mood for a spar."

Just then, the very man himself came sauntering up. After a rather fruitless- and meatless, and breadless, and even vegetableless- search in the kitchen for some form of sustenance, he had decided, after much deliberation (though the growling from his abdominal area was a fierce persuasion), to go search for "the woman" and demand that she- NOT COOK- order him some food from one of those pseudo-restaurant places humans seemed to be so addicted to.

But just as that mouth, so used to ordering them all about, opened, his eye caught on the sight of a most unwelcome visitor standing next to his wife. "Kakkarot," he snarled.

Goku laughed again, trying to sound innocent and happy- an effect which he did not pull off, sounding instead like an eerie actor or someone on drugs. "Come on Vejita!" he said loudly- trying, bless his heart, not to be suspicious- "Let's go spar!" And with that little warning, he reached out and grabbed the grumpy saiyan prince and shot off into the air.

As they flew away, Bulma could hear the screams of "Ack! Unhand me Kakkarot! Get your freakish hands off me; your stupidity might be catching!"

— _And now our heroes have landed in a conveniently remote, away-from-everything and completely empty field perfect for battles and secret conversations that is remarkably close to where they were previously — _

When they finally arrived at the spot Goku picked for their little conversation, Vejita was nearly at the end of his rope, just about ready to blow his rival to yet another round of death. Luckily, Goku immediately held up a placating hand.

"I know you're probably angry, but this is... um, important." At the serious look on his face, a surprised Vejita backed down.

'_Serious? Kakkarot? Those two words don't belong in a sentence together- he's never serious when he's not fighting. He's the biggest dim-wit on this damn planet. Though, that stupid Yam-something or whatever the hell his name is might beat him for biggest waste of oxygen. I wonder... has the big oaf finally lost his mind? Not that he ever had a fucking mind to begin with.'_

"Um..." Goku said uncertainly, "I sort of have this, um... problem, that's it, and... I thought... you could help?"

"What is it you ignorant fool? Why did you feel the need to literally drag me out of my home- with an empty stomach no less- and bring me here? Please, dare to offer a feasible explanation or I will blast your bloody head off!"

Goku squirmed around a bit, nervously. "Well... you and Bulma are together right?"

Vejita put his hand to his forehead in exasperation. "Yes, Kakkarot, you pathetic waste of skin."

"Then you, um..." He fidgeted even more, his anxiety visibly increasing.

"Spit it out!"

"I- I need your help." He looked down. "Me an- and ChiChi are, um... having some, you know-" He looked around. "Problems."

The ex-prince raised an eyebrow. "Problems, Kakkarot? You can't mean..."

Goku shrugged. "I love ChiChi lots, but she's... well, there's always that frying pan, ans she-she's really loud and demanding sometimes, and-"

"Let me guess- your super saiyan won't go super anymore."

The younger man just looked confused. "Huh?"

Vejita chuckled darkly. "Yes, well... just forget that. And at any rate, why the hell did you come to me? Aren't all your other little 'friends' better qualified? You know, since I don't like you and I'm assuming that for some reason they do."

"But you're my friend too, Vejita! And we're both saiyans, so..." he tried to pout, hoping to sway the grumpy prince. "I don't really like talking about this to begin with, so please just say you'll help me so I don't have to beat a yes out of you."

Vejita sputtered angrily. "What! Beat it- BEAT it out of me? You third-class Goddamn idiot! I'll-"

"Vejita, no! Come on, please. I'll be really annoying 'til you help me!"

"You're annoying anyway."

"So that means you'll help me out?"

Vejita crossed his arms with a scowl. "I hate you."

"Yah! Gosh, thanks Vejita!" He grabbed the shorter man's hand and shook it violently, nearly causing him to come off the ground.

With a growl, he punched the over-eager warrior in the gut. Goku just laughed. "Ok, so here's the problem." Vejita waited. -Silence- "Um, well... see, I heard Trunks talking and he says that- Well, he didn't really say it, but I kinda got the impression that you and Bulma are..." he winced a little and said, "You know, really 'active'. So... I thought maybe you'd be able to-"

But the short prince put his hands out and cut him off abruptly. "No! If you're wife can't satisfy you, don't you even fucking think about coming to me! I know I'm good, but damn it Kakkarot that's pushing the envelope. Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick..."

"No! No, no, no, that wasn't what I was saying at all!"

Vejita still looked wary. "Then what the hell do you want?"

"Well..." He carefully kept from meeting Vejita's eye as he looked around rather nervously. "I was thinking you could maybe give me some... tips or something."

"Let me get this straight- you're asking _me_ to tell _you_ how to fuck your wife?"

He didn't miss the poorly-concealed wince from the other man. "Um, well, ChiChi says that I'm not allowed to refer to it like that."

"That's the problem, man!" Vejita said, throwing out his arms. "She's got you completely whipped! Tell me, when she says jump, do you have to ask how hight?"

Goku just looked to the ground, defeated.

'_Damn it'_, Vejita thought. _'If he comes crying to the woman saying I wouldn't help him, all my special privileges will be revoked.' _(Oh, and while he's busy insulting Goku, who's in charge of his own relationship?) _'I suppose I can at least pretend to be of service.'_

"Ok, look Kakkarot- as long as you swear not to tell another living soul, I'll..." _'I can't even say it,'_ "Help you. For a while."

"Alright!" Goku's manner immediately became brighter. "How about me meet at the same place tomorrow? Ok?" But Vejita had already flown off.

'_Yes',_ Goku thought as he headed home, _'Finally...'_

* * *

— The Next Day —

"Hi Vejita!" Goku said happily. "I'm ready!"

Vejita just shook his head. _'What have I gotten myself into this time?'_

"Whatever. I'm not staying here long, and if you start to bother me too much, I'm leaving- and not coming back." He sighed, obviously rather put-out. "Alright, now- and I can't believe I'm saying this- tell me about the problem."

Goku thought hard for a moment, and then said, "I love ChiChi, like I said, but she's really scary. I like when we can be together, because sometimes it's really special-"

"She doesn't get to see you because you spend most of your time being dead."

Typical Son pose- and he laughed sheepishly. "I guess you're right! So ChiChi says that those times are real special or something. But when I'm home all the time, she's too tired from cooking or the kids, or I smell bad from training so much. And on the nights she is in the mood, it's... well, it's like watching a battle I'm not allowed to fight in! I have to just sort of lay there, and do what ChiChi says."

"So let me get this straight," Vejita said, trying hard- and nearly failing- to control his laughter. "You're upset-" snickers, "-because... because-" more raucous laughter- "your psychotic dominatrix wife won't let you be on top?"

"Vejita!" Goku whined, "You're supposed to be helping me, not making fun of me!"

"I'd stop laughing," Vejita said, still almost bowed over. "But your stupidity has reached new heights, and I'm more than certain my mirth is warranted."

Goku pouted. "Ok Vejita, you can quit it now."

Vejita gave one last snicker. "Alright Kakkarot. Now... how to go about this? What can I say that you would actually understand?" His brow furrowed in thought. "Damn your ignorance to hell. Alright, we'll have to go through the basics. You have children- so I'm assuming you do know what your cock is for."

Goku blushed profusely, but somehow managed to nod dumbly.

"Good. Though more than I expected, actually... So next- well, to solve your little problem, I suppose you should first know what your wife likes in bed."

"Um, well... I don't really, um... know. I was hoping that you could help me... with um, you know... that sort of stuff."

Vejita instantly bristled. "I hate your wife. How the hell am I supposed to know anything about her damned sexual preferences?"

"Sorry Vejita. Gosh, I didn't know you'd be so offended. But... well... um, you have Bulma, right? Well, how do you get Bulma to... you know, want to?"

It was an awkward- a VERY awkward moment. Goku cleared his throat and asked, "Didn't you hear me? How do you... you know, get Bulma to-"

"I heard you Kakkarot!" Vejita almost shuddered. "But that is not something I particularly wish to discuss with you."

"B-but Vejita! I thought you said you'd help me!" Goku looked down to the ground, quite upset.

"I'll admit that- for once in your pathetic life- you are in fact right. I said that I'd... _help_ you. Ugh. However, I fail to see how delving into my sex life would be of any consequence to your predicament at all."

"Um, I guess you don't need to tell me, then. That's ok. But how am I supposed to get ChiChi to pay attention to me again?"

"How the hell should I know? Have you tried complimenting the harpy?"

Goku- ignoring the insult to his wife- nodded furiously. "Uh-huh! ChiChi makes the best food in the world; I always tell her- every single time she cooks!"

Vejita stared at him just like he was the idiot the prince believed he was. "You can do better than that you moronic fool. No wonder you're not getting any- no woman wants to be told, by her significant idiot no less, that she's just a good cook! I know I'm not the most sensitive of men, but even I knew that! Damn it man, she wants to be told that she's desirable, beautiful- even if she's not! She just wants you to make her feel like you want her. It doesn't matter if she's hideous or not- just lie if you have to. You tell the woman what she wants to hear, and she'll be right in the palm of your hand."

"B-but Vejita," Goku said hesitantly, not wanting to make him mad again, "that doesn't sound very nice."

"It's not supposed to be nice! I thought you wanted to get laid, not make friends! No wonder your stupid wife doesn't pay attention to you- she probably doesn't even respect you. My word, have you no pride as a man?"

"I do!" Goku protested earnestly. "But I don't want to make ChiChi mad."

Vejita nearly smacked himself. "Therein lies the problem! You can't be frightened of a weak human woman! You're a warrior- you're one of the fucking strongest on this whole damn planet! You have no right- NO RIGHT at all to be scared of her. You know what? I'm wasting my time. I don't even like you, so why the hell should I be forced to spend my day trying to-"

"Vejita!" he interjected into the furious fulmination. "I'm sorry! I really need your help. If I promise to... to not let ChiChi scare me anymore, will you please stay and help me? Please? Pretty, pretty please? With rice and fish and-"

"Don't whine! I'll continue advising you, just stop whining. Now- pay close attention. First off- are you a saiyan, or some pathetic earthling?"

Goku opened his mouth to speak, but bent on not incensing the other man, he abruptly shut it and furrowed his brow in heavy thought. After a moment or two, he smiled and said, "I know! I'm a saiyan raised as an earthling. So... I'm sort of both!" He glowed proudly at his would-be intelligent answer, wearing a grin in anticipation of what he was sure would be close to praise. But he received no response. "Vejita? Vejita? Wh-why are you beating your head against that boulder? You're going to hurt something... Vejita? Vejita!"

* * *

— The Very Next Day... Same Place —

"Did you bring the picture Kakkarot? I... _picked up_ a mannequin to use on the way here."

"Wow Vejita, where'd you find a mannequin?"

"Oh, a nice old woman on a street corner gave it to me." (Note disgustingly sarcastic tone)

"That was really sweet of her! I hope you remembered to say 'thank you'!"

Vejita rolled his eyes. "Oh I definitely did Kakkarot; I _definitely _did."

Then, they began to work. The plan, as outlined by Vejita to Goku, was to first realize that sex is just another battle- a fact that seemed to excite Goku more- then figure out how to make ChiChi want the, as Vejita termed it, "stupid excuse for a fighter who probably couldn't find his way out of a torn paper bag." No response. "That's YOU, Kakkarot." _Oh..._ Lastly, Vejita would offer his infallible advice and Goku would put Vejita's excellent and experienced teachings and techniques into practice.

Vejita stuck the picture of ChiChi onto the mannequin's face. "This is a battle," he said fiercely, shaking the mannequin and glaring at Goku. "First you have to know the enemy. When you know some of their strengths and weaknesses, you will know how to fight them. Next comes the first engagement. A testing ground of sorts, to get a _feel_ for what you're doing. You must quickly size the enemy up. And lastly," he said with a smirk, "the conquest. You have to go in for the kill."

Goku nodded. "Uh-huh. I get all that. But... how's knowing how to fight going to help me with ChiChi?" He bit his lip in hesitation and then asked, "And if that mannequin's supposed to be her, do you really think you should be treating it like that? I think you're going to tear its arm off."

Ignoring the last comment- except for throwing the "ChiChi" to the ground, Vejita said, "I was drawing a parallel, you brainless buffoon! You can use the same proven method for both activities."

"Oh..." But he still looked hopelessly confused.

Not bothering to stop and explain, Vejita trudged on. "Now- you've been married to her for a long enough time to gather some specific information. What do you know about your wife?"

Goku thought for a moment and then said, "Well... She's a really good cook, she loves her family and wants her kids to get a good education, she doesn't like being poor, she can yell really loudly, and she hits really hard with her frying pan."

"Oh superb Kakkarot," Vejita said with absolutely no enthusiasm. "But that tells me nothing! Bah... You're a hopeless cause. Those things are worthless- think about it. What little habits does she have that could help you in your... newest quest, to put it lightly?"

"Hmm... Gosh Vejita, I don't really know. Um..." He thought for a moment or two, until suddenly a grand idea- or something- dawned on him, and his face lit up in comprehension. "Oh! I do know something, I do! She really likes to take long baths! And... she smiles a lot when I play with her hair. Oh, um, and she'll always smile and make happy sounds when I rub her back."

Vejita nodded. "Very good, Kakkarot. I'm surprised. That is a start..." He thought for a moment. "I suppose its time for practice then." He picked up the rather dirty mannequin off the ground and held it up. "Now- tell your wife you think she's pretty."

Goku blinked a couple of times. "Th-that's a mannequin."

"I don't care about your opinion, Kakkarot. Tell your wife that you think she's pretty."

Goku stared at the ground in confusion. "Um... ChiChi?" he said, looking up at her picture. "I... I think you're pretty."

Vejita rolled his eyes. "You sound like an absolute moron. No surprise there, though. Now... Tell your wife that you think she's _beautiful_."

"B-but Vejita, isn't that the same thing?"

"No, it is not the same thing. Now do it!"

Goku sighed and once again looked up at the mannequin. "ChiChi... I think you're beautiful." The mannequin appeared to be so moved, it was speechless. "Vejita!" Goku whined, "I feel stupid. Do we have to keep doing this?"

"That's because you _are_ stupid," he spat, "and yes we have to keep doing this! If the best compliment your infantile mind can come up with is 'You're a great cook' then there's no way in hell your dumb wife's ever going to want you."

"Ok," Goku said reluctantly, "I guess I'll have to trust you on this, Vejita."

"Damn right you will. Now..." Vejita smirked devilishly, having already devised the next perfect thing for the poor man to practice. "Giving a compliment is good, but what's much more important- and much more _effective_- is how you say it."

"Um... I don't understand."

"I know." Vejita rolled his eyes. "So listen." He snatched the mannequin roughly away from Goku. "Pretend I'm talking to the woman. I-"

"Which woman?"

"_Which woman? _the blue-haired bitch I live with you incompetent dolt! 'Which woman'... my word."

Goku looked down, thoroughly ashamed. "You could have just said Bulma, you know."

"Shut up Kakkarot!" Vejita snapped. "Do you want my help or not? Because believe me, I can think of a thousand things I'd rather be doing right now."

"I'm sorry Vejita. Wh-why don't you just go on and tell me whatever it was that you were gonna."

"Fine. I will."

He picked up the mannequin again (it had been thrown down in his rage) and took a deep breath to calm himself- and innoculate himself against the other man's stupidity. "Watch me." With a sexy smirk on his face, he wrapped his arms around the mannequin's waist. (Incidentally, it was taller than he was) With it's plastic back against his chest he leaned in and whispered, "You're... _Beautiful_." in a voice sure to send shivers up any woman's spine.

"You see Kakkarot? Make your voice lower and rougher, and instinctively she'll know _exactly_ what you're asking for. Absurdly simple. You do it."

Vejita threw the dirty, beat-up mannequin to Goku, who managed to fumblingly catch it. He stood behind it and said, "Um... Y-you're... Beautiful."

It did not help at all that he sounded pathetic.

"God, Kakkarot, that was the worst thing I've ever heard! (Worse than poetry night on Freeza's ship? ...Sorry...) You're supposed to be trying to seduce her! Act like it."

"But Vejita," he whined, "it's hard to practice on a mannequin thing! A mannequin's not even alive. M-maybe if I had a real person I could practice on..." The odd look he was sending Vejita didn't really register at first.

"What do you mean a-" Then it hit him. "WHAT! No! A thousand times no! Kakkarot, stay away from me before I blast your fucking head off! I mean it- stay away!"

"Well what should I do then? The mannequin isn't working, and I really want to learn to do this right!"

Vejita's eyes widened as he searched for a way to get out of the suddenly-turned-bad situation. Where was an exit sign when you really needed it? He had said he would help, but he did NOT think that letting his rival actually touch him was included in that.

"If you let me practice on you," Goku said, oblivious to the statement's open-endedness, "then I promise I'll save you some leftovers the next time ChiChi makes a big meal. And remember, I promised never to tell anyone, so it's not like anybody would ever know about it! Please Vejita! Please..." He put on a pouty face and big, wet puppy-dog eyes. Needless to say, Vejita wasn't swayed.

"No!"

"Please!"

"NO."

"Pretty pretty pleeeeease!"

Vejita growled. "I said no!"

Goku looked like he was about to cry. "I- I really need your help Vejita! I-I just want my wife to pay attention to me again. A-and th-there's no one else I can go to! Maybe if um... I was m-more occupied with ChiChi, I'd forget to train, and then y-you'd be much stronger than me."

Vejita rolled his eyes. He knew a feeble attempt at persuasion when he heard it. But... Well, he knew that the childish man _would_ keep his word. And it would get the idiot to leave him alone...

"Kakkarot. Understand this- I am only allowing this once. If-"

"You mean you'll help me?" Goku grinned stupidly and clapped his hands together once. "Alright! Gosh, I really appreciate it Vejita! And you're just about ChiChi's height, so it'll be perfect!"

For some reason, Vejita's left eye had begun to twitch uncontrollably.

With a jaw clenched so hard his teeth ground together and fists so tight his fingernails dug into his palms, Vejita watched Goku walk over to him.

"Um... so what exactly am I supposed to do?" Goku asked sheepishly, smiling rather nervously.

With a tremendous amount of effort, Vejita finally managed to say, "Stand behind me and put your... hands on my waist, and then say whatever it is you'd say to your wife." He closed his eyes and tried not to shudder.

Goku obediently did as he was told. The moment his hands touched Vejita though, the other man went even more rigid, even more stiff, than he had been before. "Um... So what exactly am I supposed to say?"

"I don't give a damn what you say!" Vejita sputtered, "Just say it and get off me. Say it, and GET OFF ME."

"Alright, alright," Goku agreed quickly.

He closed his eyes and thought, _'Just pretend it's ChiChi. Say what you would want ChiChi to hear. Man... I'm kinda hungry... No! I have to concentrate. Say what you think you would say to ChiChi.'_

Leaning down next to Vejita's ear, Goku whispered, "ChiChi, I love you. You're beautiful- the most beautiful woman I've ever met." He tried to remember some of the things Vejita had already mentioned. "I... I want you. Every single second of the day I do; I _want_ you ChiChi." He raked through his mind for some compliments. "Y-your as... as delicious as a heap of fresh fish cooking in the frying pan. ACK! Frying Pan!" He stooped down trying to avoid the offensive piece of cookware. It took him a moment to realize it wasn't there.

Away from the reach of anymore deadly pots and pans, the little saiyan love-fest continued. "ChiChi... Um, your skin is really soft and smooth and creamy... mmm, like vanilla ice cream or something." He smiled, thinking of the cold, delicious treat. Unknowingly, he snuggled a little into Vejita's neck. "You always smell really good, ChiChi... Like something fresh out of the oven." He sniffed a little, just thinking about all the yummy things that he could eat. Then suddenly he popped out with, "Hey Vejita! You smell really good, too..."

That broke the saiyan prince's self-control completely. "Ahh! Get away from me, Kakkarkot! Far, far away." He smacked the other man in the chest with a hard fist and jumped away. Shuddering a little in disgust he muttered, "Oh God, I've been violated."

Goku, in the pose that he was famous for, smiled sheepishly. "I'm really sorry Vejita. I guess I just got really into it. I almost thought you were ChiChi for a second there! And I didn't mean to make you mad. I don't know why you got so offended though, you really do sme-"

"Just shut up! I don't want to hear it." Vejita shook his head, trying to clear out all the unwelcome thoughts. He took a few silent moments to collect himself again, and then straightened up.

"Kakkarot," he said slowly- dangerously. "There's one more thing you should know. Only do that to A WOMAN!"

Goku flinched a little at the bellowing tone. He had a feeling the rest of the day was going to be _rough_.

* * *

— That Night At CC —

"Vejita," Bulma asked absently, "Is anything the matter? You've been acting really strange lately, and I'm getting a little worried."

"No," he answered gruffly, "Nothing's the matter. I'm fine."

"I talked to ChiChi today," she continued, the tone of her voice beginning to make him suspect something was amiss.

"So? That is of no consequence to me."

"She told me something pretty interesting. Goku's been gone a lot lately, too. The same days you've been, at the same times you've been... Got anything you want to tell me?"

"No! Shut up woman, my business doesn't concern you."

"Alright Vejita," she said, getting annoyed. "But you know I'm just gonna find out eventually. Stuck-up ass."

He rolled his eyes. "Bah..."

She smirked. "Oh, don't worry. If you want to keep your little affair with Son a secret, I'll let you."

That caught his attention. "What? Affair! Woman, what the hell do you think you're talking about?"

Bulma only laughed. Teasing him was her favorite pastime.

* * *

— The Next Day, The Same Remote Location —

"This is the last day I'm doing this, Kakkarot," Vejita said, beginning to get impatient. "You have to stand up to her, that's the only way you'll be able to get in her pants. I don't care what you think Kakkarot, you're going to say it, or I'm leaving."

"But Vejita! That's not fair! How will saying... wh-what you want me to say help me?"

Vejita scowled- deeper. "I thought you agreed not to be afraid of your stupid wife anymore. That means you don't have to obey her damn rules! You're going to do what _you_ want, and to hell with anyone who says otherwise."

'_I'm doing what you say,'_ Goku thought sullenly, though he wisely decided not to say it out loud. Sighing in defeat, he shrugged his shoulders. "Ok, Vejita. If you're sure this will help me, then I guess I can try. But... Well, I'll just have to try."

Rubbing his hands together in malicious glee, Vejita said, "Good. Very good. Now, Kakkarot, you worthless excuse for a saiyan- AND a man- repeat after me: I am going to fuck my wife."

Goku paled, and gulped. "Um... I'm going to... Going to, um... With my wife?"

"Pathetic!" Vejita spat. "Say it!"

"But ChiChi-"

"ChiChi isn't here now, is she? What, do you think she can hear you? That's incredibly stupid- even for you."

"I guess you're right. Hee, it's not like she has spies everywhere, watching and listening to me." But even as he laughed, he glanced around nervously. "Though, I'm still kinda uneasy about actually... um, saying that out loud. Where people can hear me."

Vejita rolled his eyes. "People, Kakkarot? Who do you sense here besides me? Anyone? And what did the harpy actually let you say? Did you ever even talk about sex?"

Goku fidgeted around even more. "W-well... We didn't actually ever really talk about it that much, but I guess I'm allowed to say sex." He cringed as the word passed his lips. "And ChiChi doesn't mind... Um, saying m-making love is Ok, too, but anything else besides that I wasn't supposed to say or listen to."

"Oh my- Kakkarot, you are such an idiot. You can say whatever the hell you want not! Go on- say it! I'm going to fuck my wife!"

"Vejita, I-"

"Say it! We're not going on until you do."

"Um, how about I just don't say... th-that word. I could say almost the same thing. I'd still be disobeying ChiChi, but it wouldn't be qu-quite so bad."

"Fine, you weak, mindless excuse for a higher organism. We'll have to build yu up to proper profanity. Can you say I'm going to sleep with my wife? Or is that too hard for you?"

Goku, his face turning a deep shade of red, stuttered out, "I-I'm going to sl-sleep with my wife." He exhaled deeply, and then grinned, obviously relieved that the ordeal was temporarily over.

"That was... tolerable," Vejita said, rolling his eyes. "So now you're going to say, I'm going to have sex with my wife. Can you handle that?"

"I guess I can, Vejita. I-I'm going to... h-have sex with... with my wife."

"Good!" the instructor barked. "But I don't have the patience to sit and coach you through it. You're going to throw out all that stupid harpy's rules. Say it."

"I... I can't." Goku looked down forlornly.

"My word man, there's no difference! You're going to sleep with her, you're going to fuck her, it's all the same. Whether you want to make sweet, passionate love through the moonlit night until a new sun rises, or you want to fuck her so hard that-"

"Vejita!" he cried, interrupting the other man. "That doesn't even sound pleasant. Don't make me say it."

Vejita crossed his arms, looking every moment more like some tyrannical monarch in front of a lowly subject. "Don 't?" he asked softly. "You dare to tell me what to do? You ARE going to say it- now!"

"B-but Vejita!"

"Say it!"

"I... I..."

"Say it!"

"I'm going to..."

"Now! Say it!"

"I'm going to... m-my... going to..."

"**SAY IT!**"

"I'M GOING TO FUCK MY WIFE!"

Raising an eyebrow- almost impressed-, Vejita clapped twice slowly. "That's more like it. Did that really hurt that badly? You don't seem to be bursting into flame."

"N-no," Goku admitted, looking down, his eyes wide. "B-but I can't believe I said that! ChiChi is going to be so mad..."

Vejita rolled his eyes. "_If_ she finds out you idiot. And, as we've already covered, she won't."

"If?"

Vejita nodded, smirking in a most malicious manner. "You see, if you don't tell her..." He left the statement open, feeling at least somewhat confident that the other man would understand.

"Yeah!" Goku said, cheering up a little. "Now that we finally got that out of the way, what's next? Or... was that all I had to do?"

Vejita scoffed. "Kakkarot... you still have a lot to learn."

* * *

— Later... Son Family Residence... ChiChi and Goku Find Themselves Alone —

He peered in around the kitchen door, watching ChiChi as she stirred something on the stove. Whatever it was, it smelled delicious. Goku had been there for the past thirty minutes, trying to work up the nerve to confront ChiChi. He knew he could do; he had fought enemies that had the power to destroy the planet! It was just ChiChi. Just ChiChi...

He shuddered. _'Ok,'_ he told himself, _'I just have to do it. Vejita said that I was ready, _(what Vejita really said was that there was nothing more he could do for the poor man)_ so all I have to do it just go in there, and... N-not be scared of ChiChi's rage. I'm sure she won't hurt me too bad.'_

With a deep breath, he prepared for what could be his greatest battle.

Suddenly, ChiChi felt a pair of hands slip around her waist. She gasped, surprised. "Oh Goku... It's only you. You scared me for a moment there." It was not uncommon for her husband to come and try to sneak a taste of her latest culinary creation. In fact, she was surprised he hadn't come in sooner. "Why don't you go outside or something? I'm cooking right now, and you can eat as soon as I get done."

He leaned down and pressed his face gently into her shoulder. "It's not food I want, ChiChi," he whispered, trying hard to meet Vejita's specifications. Unfortunately for him, he spoke so lowly that his wife didn't even hear him.

Noticing that he was still attached, she tried again. "Goku, I'm cooking now," she told him with a wave of her free hand. "You can come back and bother me later."

Gathering all his courage from even the deepest depths of his soul, he thought, _'Just remember what Vejita said. I can do this.'_

He pulled ChiChi right up against his chest, his arms wrapping themselves all the way around her. She was so surprised, she dropped what she had been using to stir right into the pan. "Goku!" she exclaimed, shocked at his unusual behavior.

"I don't think you heard me," he said quietly, mimicking the voice Vejita had told him to use perfectly. His lips were right at her ear, his hot breath hitting her cheek. "I said it isn't food I want. I want _you_..." As an after thought he added, "Now."

ChiChi turned around in her husband's arms. The man had to be possessed- the Goku she had married would never be so bold. "G-goku?" she asked hesitantly.

He smirked (another helpful tip) at her- yes, smirked. "ChiChi?" he said, echoing her question.

"Wh-what's the matter with you, Goku? You never act like this."

Her deer-in-headlights look provided him with just the opportunity he was searching for. Roughly, he bent down and caught her in a bruising, passionate kiss. His tongue snaked out and parted her lips, thrusting into her mouth in the most seductive, suggestive way. He pulled away suddenly, a thin string of saliva still connecting their mouths that were mere inches apart. She watched him lick it off.

"What can I say," he whispered, so close that their noses were touching. "I just thought I'd like a little..." his eyes skimmed over her hungrily. "Appetizer."

ChiChi's pale cheek gained some color, and her eyes fluttered down. "Um... Goku?" she asked breathlessly, still trying to wrap her mind around that new, aggressive side of him. "Wh-why don't we... take this someplace else?"

He smiled darkly. "I think we will. I was afraid I might have to just throw you down on the kitchen table and— " Her eyes widened as he leaned in next to her ear, voice barely a whisper.

And as soon as they managed to get to their bedroom, that was exactly what he did.

* * *

— A Few Days Later At CC —

Bulma spit out her coffee in amazement. "What? Goku? Are you serious?"

ChiChi colored, and nodded. "Yeah. Normally you're right, but lately he's been really... _different_." She snuck a glance at her husband out of the corner of her eye.

The Son family was at Capsule Corp., enjoying a nice afternoon with their friends. Goten and Trunks were outside playing with Bulma's mother, and the parents of said-demons were inside sharing coffee and, in the husbands' case, lots and lots of food.

"It was incredible," ChiChi went on. "At first I didn't know what had gotten into him, but... Well, whatever it is, I hope it stays."

As the women talked, Goku stood across the room wearing a ridiculous grin. Sometimes he was more than glad that humans didn't have quite the hearing range that saiyans did. Vejita walked over. "Well Kakkarot, I can't believe it, but it seems like you actually listened." They looked over at their wives, who were giggling about something one of them had said.

Goku extended a hand. "Shake?" Vejita looked over the offered appendage for a moment. And just that once-that singular occasion-, he decided to accept the gesture.

"Congratulations Kakkarot. You're finally a man."

* * *

End A/N: I really don't know whether to be proud or ashamed. Please, just... leave a review so I'll know. This is only further proof that I'm insane. 

Thanx for reading, (and Reviewing, if you happen to... i'm desperate)  
ILB


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